12 Pickup Lines Thou Wilt Never Need to Use Because Thou Art Lord of the Kingdom’s Most Fertile Grain Producing Duchy

medieval lady and man

‘Tis like they say: Money buys happiness. And indeed, being the wealthiest lord in the Kingdom (other than The King), thou can obtain all the happiness and womyn thou needs without having to resort to using boorish pickup lines. Nonetheless, here be 12 pickup lines thou couldst have used were thou not the lord of the Kingdom’s most fertile grain producing duchy.

“I am lord of the Kingdom’s second most fertile grain producing duchy.”

“Thy loins must be a heliocentric model of the cosmos, because they make me think impure thoughts and should be banned by the Church.”

“Thou art like a fine silken dress when all the other maidens are mere britches and hose.”

“Is thy bosom the enemy’s imminent surrender after a seven-month siege in which many goode men died? Because it is making me weep bittersweet tears of impending victory.”

“Thou must be a river nymph, because I wouldn’t mind if thou lured me to the cool water’s edge and murdered me.”

“Art thou a wizard? Because the magickal spell thou hast cast upon mine heart makes me inclined to report thee to the authorities for practicing witchcraft.”

“There must be something wrong with mine eyes, because despite of the syphilis which hath stricken me half-blind I can’t seem to remove them from thy personage.”

“Be thee a tiny archer? Becaue thou makest mine little arrow quiver.”

“Art thou taxes? Because I feel I am legally obliged to pay thee – on penalty of death or imprisonment – even if I receive nothing in return.”

“If thou wert words on a page, I wouldn’t be able to read thee because reading is below a person of my status and I pay my scribes to do it for me. But I would ne’ertheless gaze upon thy letters from a distance, wondering what sensual mysteries were contained therein.”

“Thou remindest me of the goblin warlord that raided our lands when I was but a child, because thou cut out the hearts of all fighting-age men and enslaved the women and children. I only escaped by hiding in a stack of hay until nightfall, by which tyme the entire village was a smouldering wreck. O’er the years I rose in strength and wealth to my current status, vowing to one day find thee and cut thee down to avenge the slaughter of my people. But in tyme I came to see that thou wert only doing what thou needed to survive in the cruel, cold world of thy goblin existence. Indeed, many years of reflection caused me not only to forgive thee, but to fall quite deeply in love with thee. And, though intermarriage between goblins and men may be banned by the highest authorities, I nonetheless would willingly turn foul of the law if I could have thy hand in marriage.”

“I like thine asse.”