Make haste! The life force is draining from this patient’s body, and he is in need of immediate medickal attention. Thou wast recently appointed as thy towne’s doctor by the local magistrate after the last one was killed for prackticing sorcery, so ‘twill be up to thee to save him.
But clearly this patient’s affliction be one of the soul. Just as fast as thou can balance his humours, Satan himself is working to unbalance them. E’en so, as a doctor recently sworn to the high standards of thy profession, thou hast an obligation to try and save him so long as it is financially and politically beneficial.
Answer these questions to see if thou hast what it takes to balance this patient’s humours before the Devil takes his soul.
The patient’s blood runs hot with fever. How dost thou cool him down?
A. Run a damp towel upon the brow and wrap him in warm blankets.
B. Strap him naked across the underbelly of an ox and have it drag him thrice through a field of barley in winter. At the completion of each dragging, recite the “Doctor’s Prayer” and douse him in oat pudding.
Fie! Now the patient hath come down with a chill. How dost thou warm his bones?
A. Let him sit by a warm hearth and feed him hot stew.
B. A pint of grain liquor poured through the ænus for warmth and three more drags throughst the barley field.
The patient says, “I feel fine. Methinks I just need rest.” What dost thou do?
A. Let him rest. Thou hast other doctoring things to get to anyway.
B. Oh, Satan, thou art a clever beast. Clearly the Dark Lord is playing tricks. He hath burrowed into the patient’s body through the feet and now speaks through his tongue. But fall for it thou will not, for thou art a Doctor! Do not let thy patient rest, but cut the Devil off at the source. Amputate the patient’s feet with a bone saw. Take that, Satan!
A sable bile ejects from the patient’s pores as Satan digs his dark claws deeper into his soul. He is also bleeding heavily from the feet. What dost thou prescribe him to extract the beast?
A. Water and rest.
B. Clearly this is more serious than originally thought, and he is in dire need of more ox drags. Strap him across two oxen and drag him continually through the barley fields under the light of a half moon whilst repeating one thousand prayers for The King and five score for the Kingmother. Then a bowl of oat pudding blessed by a doctor poured through the ænus for vitality.
Oh no! The patient is becoming drowsy. It appears Satan is trying to drag him to an eternal sleep. How dost thou revive him?
A. Do nothing. He is probably just tired from all the bloodletting.
B. Cut something else off with the bone saw to wake him up. If thy doctor senses are correct, thou will cut off the correct appendage and open up a channel for Satan to escape his body and return to the Underworld. If the first appendage doth not work, keep cutting until thou observes the Devil physically exiting his person. As a last resort if thou runs out of appendages, pour whatever warm liquid thou hast left into the ænus.
C. Bloodletting from the pœnis.
Mostly As. Unfortunately, thou knowest not the first thing about medicine and humours. Thy humourless doctoring will lead to thy patient’s prompt demise, and his soul will become a slave to the Lord of the Underworld.
Mostly Bs. Ah, thou art a forerunner of the humouristic arts! Aside from a few lost appendages thou removed with the bone saw and a moderate case of permanent delirium, thy patient makes a full recovery and Satan is cast back down to his fiery lair.
Mostly Cs. Thy doctoring skills are on par with other doctors of thy age. But unfortunately, a battle with the Devil himself requires more extreme amounts of bloodletting. Thy patient puts up a valiant fight due to thy bloodletting efforts, but in the end he succumbs to Satan’s evil will. On the bright side, thou learns from the experience, and thou shall bleed thy patients with much greater vigour in the future.